Sunday, July 09, 2006

Random Thoughts of the Day

I got Andy all hot and bothered, breathing heavily into his ear and tugging at his shirt... And then I felt like an asshole for keeping him from Duncans wake, so I pushed myself off and made him get ready to go. He puts on his white oxford, nice black slacks, and a belt before he sits down to roll a joint. He pulls apart his speaker, pulls out a cigarette box, and then pulls out the herb before crunching it up and telling me that "its sticky". Getting high before a wake, or funeral is not the best idea, and he knows that, so he makes sure to tell me "its for later". Gosh I think I like him, but at this point I have no idea. There is so much doubt in my head that he is even somewhat interested in me. Im scared of getting hurt again, which sounds lame, but is so true. Im not ready to be heartbroken again.

He cleans up nicely:



For some reason I thought it would be healthy to browse my old blog on livejournal.com... I was wrong. This is the blog from a year and a couple months ago, when Andrew and I were first in love. Those feelings of happiness, and extreme love for someone that were once there are gone. My heart aches because the link to his was too tempting and I read his blog as well. There, on the screen, was the proof that he once loved me. Proof that at some point we were happy, even though lately we havent been. I loved him so much that it hurt.

Im not going to live with Jason, John, and Jessica. Its just not working out that way. Its alright though, I am really looking forward to living on my own, and not having to worry about other people. Im tired, my eyes are heavy because Ive been crying. No one has asked me if Im okay. Im not. Ive been thinking a lot, about death and everything. Im completely in denial that a person could take their own life, let alone in a public place such as Duncan. Granted, I dont know how it feels to hate my life so much that it must end. I feel that suicide would be the ultimate failure for me (not for everyone else,) just me. I have come through so much... cancer, domestic abuse, poverty, etc that I cant give up now. I just cant.

But I will say this: I feel that death is by far the most tragic, artistic, and beautiful thing a single person can do. Releasing One's soul into the universe without the physical confines of a body too small for such a big deal. "Im so much bigger than my body gives me credit for," I smile at Andy, kiss him on the cheek and jump out of the car. Run up the front stairs, sit down in the big red leather recliner, and open up my computer.

Goodnight.

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